the difference that a second makes
by katebecketts
Summary: He would never stop bringing her coffee. An alternative ending to season three.


**Disclaimer: I don't definitely don't own Castle. I probably wouldn't be writing fanfic if I did. **

He had described it in his novels so many times. "It was as if his world fell apart around him when he saw the light leave her eyes." "A world without him in it wasn't one she wanted to ever live in." They were the staples of the genre to describe a death, or the aftermath of a death on someone else.

He had always thought that the way it was described in literature was exaggerated, at least to a certain extent. It was fiction, after all. Exaggeration, dramatisation, it wasn't unusual. He often considered these statements useful to create a bit of extra sympathy for the character.

It wasn't something that Castle had ever experienced for himself.

Not until now.

He saw the glint just a moment too late and before he really knew what was happening, her body was falling, twisting almost gracefully as it descended to the ground.

He was on his feet, moving towards her. He cradled her body in his arms, and stared down at her. Blood pooled at her chest where the bullet hit. It stained her clothes and immobilised him. All he could do was stare in shock; he couldn't process what had happened in the past few seconds. Kate had been shot and –

She had been _shot_.

His hands sought out the bullet wound, pressing down in an attempt to reduce the bleeding but the effect was negligible at best. "Kate," his voice was barely more than a whisper, a prayer. "Kate, please don't die, please stay with me Kate."

It felt as if a lifetime had passed, but it was barely ten seconds and thankfully the others at the funeral had reacted quicker than he had. Lanie had joined him and she tried to assess Kate's condition through her tears. "There's an ambulance on the way. I can just about feel a pulse but it's weak," she sobbed out.

She couldn't be – no, he couldn't even think it. Kate Beckett had to live. He clutched her closer to him, barely aware of her blood that soaked through to his shirt. "Kate. Kate please. I love you," he spoke through the sobs that wracked his entire body.

Sirens sounded in the distance – the ambulance was there already? Lanie was saying something to him but he couldn't make it out. He couldn't really see or hear anything outside of Kate.

Paramedics were there with the stretcher. He let them move her onto the stretcher, still too in shock to do anything else. As soon as they began to take her to the ambulance, he followed beside them; his hand clutching hers all the way to the hospital.

She was rushed into surgery and he sat on the hard chairs of the waiting room, surrounded by everyone else: Jim, Ryan, Espo, Lanie, even his mom and Alexis were there.

Thoughts raced through his mind but first and foremost he just prayed that Kate would pull through. She was his partner, his best friend, and he loved her, damn it. He didn't know what he'd do if she didn't make it, not when they hadn't even had their chance yet. It wasn't even just that; he couldn't imagine what life would be like without Kate Beckett. All the things that he had only read or written about before, he was now experiencing first hand.

It was Jim who broke the silence. "How… how is she? What's going on?" he directed his questions towards Lanie, the only one of them with any medical knowledge.

She took a deep breath to steady herself, and spoke. "The bullet hit her in the chest, and she's in surgery now. She had a pulse, it was faint but it was still there, and that's about all I know until someone comes out to tell us how the surgery goes." Informing people of injuries, of peoples wellbeing was something she was used to, but never before had it been her friend. She still couldn't believe it. None of them could.

They fell back into silence until a door slammed open and Josh stormed out. Kate's boyfriend. He must have been here already; he was wearing his scrubs and the look on his face told Castle that he must have seen Kate.

"How is she?" he called out, standing up for no reason other than for something to do.

Josh stormed over to them, and grabbed Castle then pushed him up against the wall. "This is your fault!" he yelled, "Kate was shot and it was your fault!"

Castle pushed back against Josh, trying to free himself from his grasp, but he couldn't deny his words; he had been blaming himself ever since the shooting. Josh's outburst had caused reactions in the rest of the group. Ryan and Espo were pulling Josh away from Castle while Jim and Martha attempted to calm everyone down.

"Stop!" Jim hollered, "Just tell me anything you know about Kate. Please," his voice sounded entirely defeated.

"They're working on her now. She's flatlined twice but they've managed to bring her back. It's too early to know if she'll pull through," he informed them all.

Castle sank back into the chair, unable to stand. Kate had flatlined twice. He wasn't a doctor but he knew that couldn't be good. _She's still alive_, he reminded himself. There was still hope; there was still a chance she'd survive.

The group fell back into silence and remained that way for the next half hour until another doctor came into the waiting room.

"Kate Beckett's family?" he asked, and Rick had to stop himself from jumping up and saying yes.

"I'm her father," Jim replied instantly. "How is she?"

"We did everything we could, but her wounds were too severe," he broke the news gently but it really didn't matter. Kate… Kate had died. Nothing else really mattered.

The next few days passed in a blur. Between helping Ryan and Espo try and track down her shooter, and helping Jim plan her funeral, Castle barely had time to eat or sleep. Not that he had any desire to do either of those things. If it weren't for Alexis forcing him home each evening, and making him eat something, he'd have probably not survived those first few days.

He woke up each morning and still half-expected for Beckett to ring him and tell him a body dropped. Every so often, he'd go to dial her number out of habit before realising that there'd be no one there on the other end anymore.

Kate Beckett had found her way into his life – or rather, he had found his way into hers – and now she was just gone.

He'd never talk to her again, never bring her a cup of coffee, never get to see the way her smile lit up her entire face again. He'd never see her again. He'd never get the chance to find out what they might have been.

The day of the funeral rolled around far too quickly for his liking. A funeral felt permanent, it felt like a sign that they had to begin to move on with life and he wasn't ready for it. He got ready on autopilot, finding the sombre black suit that he didn't want to ever see again after the funeral. Martha had to help him with his tie when he couldn't keep his hands from shaking long enough to do it himself.

He was falling apart without Kate there.

He didn't really pay much attention to the funeral. He couldn't listen to everyone speak about her, knowing that their words couldn't possibly do her justice. He couldn't stand to see the photo of her smiling at him when he knew that he'd never be able to see that smile again.

And when it came for him to make the eulogy – Jim had asked him to do it, saying that eulogising Johanna had been the hardest thing he had ever done and he couldn't do it again, especially not for his daughter – he could barely read his notes through the tears in his eyes.

"So, I'm going to make this short because God knows Kate wouldn't want a big fuss to be made over her, and no words could really do her justice anyway. She was an incredible cop, a loving daughter and the best friend that anyone could ever hope for. She was this and she was so much more, and she overcame so much to become the astounding person that she was. Katherine Houghton Beckett was the most remarkable person I've ever met and deserved so much more than the life she was given. I just hope that now she can finally find peace."

He couldn't stop the tears from falling as he spoke, and he barely even cared that the eulogy didn't feel enough. He had managed to get through it, which was more than he had really expected.

She was buried next to her mother. And Castle felt like a piece of him had been buried alongside her.

The new captain at the precinct wouldn't allow Castle to go back to with Ryan and Espo so he couldn't do the only thing he wanted to do; to hunt down the son of a bitch that shot Kate. He didn't save her, but he thought at least he would be able to help bring down her killer. He had failed her again.

After he was banned from the precinct, he cut off communications with Ryan and Espo. It was just a reminder that Kate wasn't there anymore.

A few weeks later, he heard on the news that Kate's case was closed due to a lack of any leads. It would go unsolved just like her mother's murder, and Castle couldn't hold back the anger that Kate would never find her justice despite having brought justice to so many other families.

Eventually, Castle turned to alcohol. He lost himself in the bottle and he simultaneously loved it for the temporary escape that it gave him, while still hating it because he knew that Kate would despise him for it.

He was doing the same thing that her father had done after her mother passed away.

He told himself that it wasn't hurting anyone other than himself. Martha had moved out and Alexis was at college so his actions couldn't be affecting them like Jim's alcoholism had affected Kate.

He still hated himself. He knew his justifications would be null and void if Kate could see him and yet all the same, he couldn't stop.

It wasn't until one weekend that Alexis decided to come home for a surprise visit that anyone realised just how badly he was coping on his own. She found him passed out on the sofa with an empty bottle of whisky next to him. When she couldn't wake him, she had rung for an ambulance.

He had alcohol poisoning, and the doctors recommended that he go to rehab and stop before he destroyed his liver.

It was seeing Alexis crying in the chair next to his bed that convinced him to go – he could imagine Kate at a similar age to Alexis, going through the same with her dad and he didn't want to put her through that.

He got out of rehab just in time for the anniversary of Kate's death.

It was the first time since the funeral that he visited Kate's grave. He thought about taking her flowers, but decided against it as he passed their coffee shop. He choked back a sob as he ordered the drink that he hadn't asked for in over a year, and then he took a cab to the cemetery.

He placed the coffee at the headstone, aware of how ridiculous it was to take her coffee when she was dead but he felt it was a more significant gesture than anything else he could have done; flowers were impersonal, they meant nothing. The coffee symbolised a lot more.

"I miss you, Kate," he spoke quietly. "I miss you so much, and it still hurts every day. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you or find your killer and I'm sorry for how I dealt with it. I wish I could have been a better man for you, Kate. They haven't found your killer yet, but they will do. One day, a lead will turn something up, you'll have your justice. And we'll out who killed your mother too, I promise you Kate. I'm so sorry Kate. I let you down. I love you. I have done for a long time and I don't think I'll ever stop and I let you down and I'm so sorry."

He was sobbing, tears streaming from his eyes and he spilled out all his feelings to her, unable to stop the flow of emotion.

He sat there for a while, unmoving as he allowed himself to mourn Kate Beckett. Eventually he stood up and he gestured to the coffee that he had brought her. "Just how you like it. I'll bring you some again soon."

He couldn't say goodbye. Maybe one day he would, but not today and not anytime soon. "I love you, Kate. Always."

**AN: Is it bad to admit that I really hope people are crying reading this, because I cried writing it?**

**New chapter of a leap of faith should hopefully be out tomorrow. I was just hit with inspiration for this instead, but don't worry because I'll need to write fluffy Hamptons stuff to cheer myself up after this. **


End file.
